When I rolled out of bed this morning, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. It happens to me often, especially after the weekend I had, and that long weekly telephone call with Mumsy that is inevitably laced with innuendos of goan marry my fren. It’s amazing, this ability that Naija mothers have, to yap over the same thing for years and not even near exhaustion, and to continue relentlessly until you begin to feel the pain they should feel, on their behalf.
Mumsy first began to leave hints here and there once I was in my final year in the university and bless her, a decade has since hastily passed and I am still unhitched- unless you count six off and on years with Ugo and seven years of long distance with Ayo. I have a confession though, apart from priding myself on my polyamorous nature, I am actually one Naija girl who isn’t in a hurry to cling to one man till death do us part but nobody knows this. I mean, I love adventure and fun and the thrill of a Port Harcourt one night stand and the glorious smell of amorous sweat and I’m past the age of being coy and bashful about it so I have decided to share my escapades with you.
I’ll tell you about the weekend I had, but you have to wait for a while. One of the things I realized from running into an old friend at the club on saturday is that young girls in the city are still naively rendering their hearts and their bodies to chance. Abeg, whatever happened to sisterhood and true friendship between women? I think that once we have that sorted out, everything else will fall into place. There is no need to pretend. I have to tell you, the reason that women who thought that they were in monogamous relationships often find out in a shocking manner that they are not, is because young women are not being real with each other. I know you all sing in the choir together and crush on the same tall handsome church brother but how about being real and owning your feelings to each other to avoid being hoodwinked by said brother, into thinking that each of you is exclusive with him?
How about sharing with at least one person? I know that our shitty societal manipulations lead us to believe that the next woman is out to get your man but here’s the thing: The concept of man stealing in itself was invented by men to keep women at each other’s throats and to rob us of meaningful friendships that are not only based on trading recipes ‘to keep your home’ and styles to lull babies to sleep or prayers and fasting to ward off home wreckers and boyfriend stealers, but never sex. Newsflash: men actually laugh behind our backs about these things and they never ever talk about their wives or men they think might steal them when they gather to have those weekend drinks that almost always exclude women but include girls like me.
This New Year, before I tell you anymore stories, fish out a writing pad and make it a point of duty to do the following:
1. Get a best friend. And no, I don’t mean your husband or your man. Get a girlfriend you can trust with your truth. Be sure that she is also willing to share hers with you. Hang out with her. Shop with her. Gossip with her. Talk about sex and mutual interests. Try new things. Work out and get makeovers and don’t talk about the men in your lives unless you need advice. Focus on you and each other, just two grown women discovering their true selves and if either of you betrays the other, learn to forgive or let go but don’t be afraid to try. It’s what we do with men all the time, isn’t it?
2. Make some money and always take some cash along. A great woman once said that a woman’s greatest insurance is a little money of her own. Don’t be like those women in Nollywood who get “kicked out” from a mansion and the next day, they are eating from a dumpster. Get a job. Have a skill. If you are in a relationship where there is an understanding that you have to stay home, please save every penny you can. Demand for your own Allowance and invest in things you don’t have to be directly involved in to make profit. Need I tell you that you can actually buy things in your name even while single? Please, to avoid stories that touch, never go on a date or out with a guy without
money, pepper spray and condoms in your purse.
3. Live. It’s ok to make mistakes. Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Your WCW has a few skeletons in her cupboard as well. Own your truth. Don’t let anyone dictate the pace of your life. Nobody, not your parents, your pastor, your friends or your man has figured out life. We are all on a journey; don’t make another person’s journey more paramount than yours. Take your pleasures where you can. Life is too short and you only get one.
4. Love. Make love important and it’ll come. Even if you’ve already found the love of your life, love makes everything beautiful. Don’t be afraid to get your heart broken but always, have a plan for when life throws a punch. Love but stay woke. Make love, make music. Enjoy the life that you have received. I’ll tell you about the weekend I had next week and hopefully, I’ll have more stories and you’d have your own adventures to share.
Take care of each other.
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